Smile

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Hall Camp ended and I don't have photos to upload. But I am proud of Apus for winning the best OG award. A bit disheartened for not winning the caring award. Maybe I should have been more open when caring for the welfare of others. Well, it doesn't matter since I didn't do what I did to get such an award.

At first, I didn't want to attend hall camp cause I have unfinished work and my room mate was not in it. Also, the attendance and "high-ness" of my OG was not very good at precamp. Last but not least, I was seriously worried that I would pull down the whole OG during the camp as I am very sure that I am physically the weakest amongst the rest. Look at it this way, the others are all trained in the army and they will somehow have some fitness in them. On the other hand, I was from doing clerical work so how am I able to compare my physical fitness with the others? I am glad that I did not pull the team down due to my lack of physical fitness during the games as well as during amazing race.

Day 1, everybody were still like strangers to each other and there were like small cliques among us. As usual, I tried to keep my profile low because I know that once I start, 2 things will happen. 1. Lameness, 2. Long-winded comments. It did happened cause I became more open at the later part of the camp. It turned out that I was the only 1 who went to research on some landmarks within NTU. Unfortunately, everything I got wasn't useful at all except for the NIE logo which was used during amazing race.
Initiation was dirty cause it's like that every year. lol. A lot of tricks pulled on us. I got a title "Mr Insensitive" cause I was never disturbed by the leaves and other "creepy" props. lol.

Day 2, beach games. Serious sunburn that day and that was also the day I started to open up. I just got the "urge" to start the cheers. So much for being in NPCC. lol.
After that, people start to think that I am not a freshman... Serious sun burn until cannot sit down for 2 days. Not going to talk about the games cause some of it are embarrassing. Should have played the "mahjong" game more because out of the 3 times I went in, I didn't get hit by any water bombs at all. Mini SP date that night also (if I remember the day correctly). I couldn't guess who my SP was. lol.

Day 3 was field games and fright night. Another dirty game in it and there was tug-of-war which I didn't want to join in because I have no confidence in my physical strength. Captain's ball included things like raw chicken (Tommy)...
Then we went to have outdoor laser quest in the afternoon. It's different from the 1 I experienced before and there were pros and cons. Fright night I didn't know exactly who my partner was cause there I got swapped around. Ended with Mei Shian and she was like brave la. like not scared at all. I was like stoning throughout the thing and have slow reaction. I pity the "ghosts" cause they have to keep shouting and screaming. The only shocks I got was the sudden shouting/screaming cause I really hate loud sounds. I pity the meal worms too because they were being stabbed at...
We had heart-to-heart talk session as well and I was quite shocked at an OG mate's answer although it was linked up due to other factors.

Day 4 was SP date and I couldn't guess who my SP was. But my CGL arranged me to move off first and less tekan session cause of my injury. felt quite bad because I was given special attention. We went to mac for breakfast and then have a group movie and lunch. had SP dinner together also before we all split and and return to our OG and back to hall.

Day 5 was dragon race & amazing race and I'm quite proud to say that I managed to last through all despite my lack in physical strength. Everyone supported one another and we managed to get through the whole thing. We had another long HTHT session and was bad because we were chased out by the security cause someone complained. Then we shifted to elsewhere and continued. A lot of fun and laughter but I fell asleep and didn't want to return to my room cause there was air con in that room. lol.

Day 6 we were given all our awards before we break camp. There were awards we didn't knew existed and I was a bit disappointed for not getting the caring pair award. lol. At least we got the best OG award XD.

During the whole camp, I think I did spread some wrong message to some people cause I was acting as though I am not a freshman and was too "caring" to a few perhaps but then that's just me. Maybe just because I am not doing things like what other people would usually do? or perhaps it like what some ppl would do to others? Hopefully things will clear up if not the situation will be odd when we have other hall activities. even now, coordinating events is a hassle... lol.

Want to sleep early to catch back lost sleep so didn't write everything in.

9:29 PM ; smile'

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Went to check into the "Hotel" earlier and was quite shocked with the cleanliness of the room. Spent hours just to clean it. Did the cleaning twice and I think a 3rd time will be needed. Quite sad that my room mate didn't get to go for Hall Camp. Guess I'll need to really make new friends. I hope I won't be the burden of my group.

Still hoping for the same thing and I hope it will come true.

Next song would be "Believe". (will add in the song at a later time)

Unable to find any words, I instinctively reached out to touch your shoulder
And you, without saying anything, coldly broke free
Because of a trivial misunderstanding, our young love is giving way
I don't want to see such a sad face

Even though your dream may be dissolving, just don't abandon that smile
It's what keeps my own heart glowing

We swore one day to build the future with our own hands
At any cost, on this planet, no matter where on it you are
And now the two of us stand with pained eyes and glances diverted,
But I believe we'll be able to meet again

The starry sky we used to gaze up at together, where so much light streamed through
All the memories of that still won't fade away

If you really listen for it, you'll begin to hear that phrase
in the melody of the flute that was played

And behind the sky, in the tomorrow my heart depicts,
In that same place, I'll be right by your side once more
Surely we'll be together from now on, plunging ahead through these days
Because there could be a meaning to all of this after all

We swore one day to build the future with our own hands
At any cost, on this planet, no matter where on it you are
And behind the sky, in the tomorrow my heart depicts,
In that same place, I'll be right by your side once more
Now the two of us stand with pained eyes and glances diverted,
But I believe we'll be able to meet again

Too tired to write anymore stuff. Hope we will be able to meet again.

11:59 PM ; smile'

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Went for monthly shoot today and my score was 95 91 95 95 95 93. Total score was 564, 5 points off the cut of. Actually, I estimated for my score to be around 555. Anyway, that's the results from about 1 or 2 weeks of training. I remember coach saying that I am capable of shooting 560+ as long as I am able to focus and keep my mind clear. I suppose she can tell that something is bothering me but guessed it's too sensitive to ask. Perhaps it's because there are times my eyes became red. Of course there were tears but I was able to control it such that it would not be an excessive amount that cause it to be visible. Ever since that incident, going to the range would bring back both the happy and unhappy memories. The negative side is that both types would cause the same effect which I am unable to describe now. But I was glad that I had those happy memories. Often, I felt like quitting but it's the words from my coaches that helped me to proceed on with the sports. Coach Zhu would always say that I have the potential and would ask me to continue to train and improve. Sooner or later I would be able to produce good scores. On the other hand, da ge would sometimes scold me (positive type/positive criticism) so that I could wake up from the nightmare and move on. Although filled with depressing emotions, I would still drag myself to the range either for work or for training. I have to face the problem instead of running away from it. I told the certain someone (don't think she would be reading my blog anymore) that she should face the situation. If that is the case, I have to overcome my problem first. If I can't do that, how do I expect her to do the same?

Let's start talking about today's shoot. Oh well, I didn't expect myself to get such scores. As usual, all the unhappy stuff starts flooding into my mind while in the range (SAFRA range this time). However, I kept pushing on. at my 42nd shot onwards, my mind really couldn't take it but I pushed myself (I didn't fall down so don't worry) and continued. The same thing happened for my 56th shot onwards. Although the last 5 shots consists of 4 nines and an eight, I felt proud of myself because I was still able to overcome my problem although not completely. I had a 7 and an 8 in my second series but the total number of shots with less than 9 was at most 5 shots i think. Only if I was able to focus completely, I might have kept all shots at least 9 points and probably more 10 points. I will still train hard and not disappoint those who supported me ever since the start of my shooting "career".

Came back home and saw her online. I'm quite glad that I didn't get blocked out. At least no matter how mean I was, she's still kind enough to keep my contact. I made a promise not to contact her for the rest of this month and I have to keep that promise. I messed up many other things I am trying very hard now to resolve everything and to save everything. She was my everything and although things will not be as beautiful as before(unless if there's some miracle), I am still hoping that we can be close friends and meet often (even if I got into new relationship(s)). Let time heal our wounds and once they are healed, then we will work on removing the scars. Well, the doctor (me) and the patient (her) will have to work together so that the scars can be removed completely. I am working on the scars on my own with the help of friends :)

If you are reading my blog, I hope you'll do well in your studies, be in the best of health, be happy and smile often :) My challenge is still on so feel free to claim your reward anytime you want as long as you have the evidence.

I hope my efforts get paid off too. Will still be trying very hard so that things will become better(even if it means controlling myself not to contact you like now) (:

1:42 PM ; smile'

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A few days passed only but I think I'll just update a little. My tagbox and comments are being flooded with spam links so if any friend(s) have comments, kindly contact me via other means.

Anyway, I have been trying to pack myself with work and appointments these few weeks to try to distract myself from thinking about certain stuff. This month is a very difficult month for me. Although I was told it wasn't a mistake back then, now I do think it's a very big mistake. Have I not done well enough? Or was it a mistake in the first place? I seriously do not know. I would like to have answers. But I believe that I would never get any. even if I do, I wouldn't know if it's the truth.

If I remember correctly, Ms Lacus mentioned before that it is alright to cry. However, Kira did say he don't want to cry anymore and eventually, we never got to see him shed a tear anymore. That's only if life can be as simple as an anime.

A lot of ppl thinks I'm dumb to be like still doing what I'm doing now but then, I'm dumb in the first place. If not, things may not have turned out to be how it is now. Don't even know what the outcome is but I am willing to spend on it. I can only hope things turn out well.

Actually I forgot what I actually wanted to write in too...

10:45 AM ; smile'

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Felt stupid for all the mean things I have done which made things impossible to go back to how they were even if there were to be a miracle. Somehow, I just don't think of the consequences carefully before I do things. Thus hurting others and eventually hurting myself. Deeply regretted my actions and I hope it is not too late.

I was thinking about something. If God really exist, can someone please ask Him to stop playing tricks on me? Some friends say it's a trial but why do I have to be reminded about the unhappy events when I was already ready to move on? I guess there's nothing I can do and just hope things will become better.

Anyway, changed the song to something else to describe how I'm feeling now. This song is 1 of the songs used in Gundam Seed. Below is the translation. Although the person whom is song is dedicated for would most likely not view this blog, but I would still hope the message will be passed over somehow.

In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you
During that time, your smile has faded away
Now that a little time has passed,
Fond memories start to resurface.

At the place where stars fall,
I'm always wishing for your laughter.
Even though we're apart now
We can meet again, right?

From when has my smile faded this much
Since it was shattered by one mistake
Change only the precious things into light and*
Go beyond the sky with fortitude.

To the place where stars fall,
I want my thoughts to reach you.
I am always by your side
Since I will embrace that coldness.
Even though we're apart now,
We will definitely be back together.

In the quiet night...

10:30 PM ; smile'

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A lot of things happened and i kind of like don't feel like writing here cause i will be reminded of all the unhappiness. I can just say that I'm always the one who caused my own downfall...

People say rules and promises are meant to be broken but to me, they are to be followed. I don't know how long the promises I made will last but at some time and during different circumstances, these promises will have to be broken.

I am rather attracted to several anime characters mainly because of their abilities in the anime. However, I prefer some of their personalities and the things they do. I will probably just talk about characters I prefer in Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

In no order of preference, 1st up is Lambo (kid). Lambo is 5-6 years old throughout the whole show. at that young age, he does not need to attend school and there's practically nothing for him to worry about. All he needs to do is just to have fun and enjoy himself.

Next up, Hibari Kyoya. Hibari Kyoya is somewhat similar to me in terms of preference such as not liking noisy and crowded places. Similarly, we don't like to be binded by anything. More of we prefer to decide our own fates.

Lastly, Sawada Tsunayoshi(Tsuna). Tsuna is rather similar to be in most cases just that I'm not as bad in everything he is and I do not have intuition as good as his. Tsuna is practically bad at everything he does be it studies or sports.

Let's also just say that I'm not good with decision making. Sometimes, although I know I would offend someone, I chose to say things that will offend the other person. there's a chinese idiom that says good advice are often awful to the ear. Meaning ppl prefer to be curry flavoured all over instead of accepting criticism. There are things which I do or say which offend others especially my loved ones but it is all because I care.

What has been done cannot be undone. Hope is lost but I still would like to believe in a miracle although I wasted 1 entering into a local university.

12:46 PM ; smile'

Friday, July 08, 2011

I'm not dead yet but didn't sleep until almost 5am, the time I was supposed to go for my run. Woke up around 8am. Anyway, I'm dedicating this song to someone who I don't think will visit my blog. (remember to pause the mixpod before playing this song). Since the song is dedicated to her, I am putting in the lyrics in traditional Chinese which she is able to read. This song elaborates how I am feeling and thinking for the past few days(or at least 90% or so). Although the song title is talking about rain in June(literally) and it's July now, the meaning is there.

六月的雨 by 胡歌

一場雨把我困在這裏你冷漠的表情會讓我傷心
六月的雨就是無情的你伴隨著點點滴滴痛擊我心裏

wo~我不相信你不是故意的卻為何把我丟棄在風雨裏
wo~我不忍心也不想背叛你唯有默默等你回心轉意

我沒有放棄也不會離你而去那怕要分開我依然等你
我全心全意等你的消息總會有一天
你會相信我我愛你

一場雨想念你在我的心中都不可比擬
你走後什麼都已經消失在風雨裡
一場雨想念你我愛你

一場雨把我困在這裏你冷漠的表情會讓我傷心
六月的雨就是無情的你伴隨著點點滴滴痛擊我心裏

wo~我不相信你不是故意的卻為何把我丟棄在風雨裏
wo~我不忍心也不想背叛你唯有默默等你回心轉意

我沒有放棄也不會離你而去那怕要分開我依然等你
我全心全意等你的消息總會有一天
你會相信我我愛你

一場雨想念你在我的心中都不可比擬
你走了什麼都已經消失在風雨裡
一場雨想念你我愛你

12:09 PM ; smile'